Losing our baby at twenty-one weeks was the hardest thing I'd ever been through, but going through a pregnancy after miscarriage was incredibly difficult in other ways. Pregnancy was no longer an exciting time. It was filled with worry, guilt, and fear. I ran the full gamut of emotions during my third pregnancy with our rainbow baby and I hope that sharing my experience will help others going through the same thing.
Pregnancy After Miscarriage
Fear - The first emotion I experienced upon taking a positive pregnancy test was fear. I was SO scared that what had happened to us just a few months ago would happen again. The beginning of pregnancy is difficult enough without constant fear. Every time we listened for the baby's heartbeat I was so afraid our midwife wouldn't be able to find it. This lasted until I started to feel baby move, and then I feared that I would wake up one day and not feel him move. I don't know if it's typical to feel so much fear following the loss of a baby. Some days I was crippled by my fear and couldn't function. I felt so bad for my two-year-old daughter on those days because I wanted to really cherish our time before she had a sibling at home with us. Instead I was just constantly afraid.
Guilt - I held onto so much guilt. I felt guilty because we got pregnant so soon (three months) after losing Beau. It felt like we didn't have enough time to mourn him. I felt guilty because I wasn't giving my daughter enough attention because I was dealing with all-day morning sickness and crippling fear. She deserved so much better during that time.
I felt guilty that I couldn't connect with the baby inside me; I was afraid I was going to lose him too. Once I felt his first kicks I finally felt like I could breathe a little more and connect with him. Fully committing my whole heart to him was something I couldn't do until he was in my arms. When we found out that we were having a boy and I even felt guilty about that. I felt guilty that I was happy for a boy because I didn't want Beau to be replaced.
Worry - There was SO, SO much worry. My third pregnancy was the hardest for me physically and emotionally. I felt like so many things came up that hadn't in my past pregnancies. Around eight weeks and ten weeks I had bleeding which was caused by a low-lying placenta and a subchorionic hematoma. Even though these are both things that typically resolve on their own I was worried that I'd be in the minority and have serious complications. People tried to reassure me that statistics were in my favor but after having a stillborn baby (where the risk is 1-2% in a healthy pregnancy) I knew numbers didn't mean anything.
I was worried every day that my baby had died inside of me. The only thing that kept me sane was a doppler that allowed me to check for baby's heartbeat at home. If I had a day with lower movement I'd take time to lay in positions that would make baby kick. When we lost Beau, the doctor told me that it was a combination of an extra long cord and a very busy baby that caused him to get the cord wrapped around his neck. Because of this, when I felt baby moving around a lot I was worried he was going to get the cord wrapped around his neck also.
My blood pressure started to creep up near the middle of the pregnancy and I worried about that too. The worry made me stressed which made my blood pressure creep up even more. I dreaded the point at each midwife visit where she'd take out the cuff and do a reading. I ended up borrowing a blood pressure cuff and taking readings every morning and evening until I gave birth. Luckily I never got full-blown pre-eclampsia but it was still a constant worry for me.
Hope - Among all of the negative emotions I experienced during my rainbow baby's pregnancy, I also felt hope. I held onto hope that among all of the worry, fear, and guilt I experienced we'd have a healthy baby at the end of our pregnancy. Hope was the main thing that got me through all 40 weeks and 1 day of my pregnancy after loss. Well, that and constantly expressing my concerns and fears with my midwife, husband, and family and friends. For me, things become much less scary when I talk about them.
We were blessed with a healthy baby boy on December 8th, 2016. It was less than a year after I delivered our stillborn baby Beau. While there are different struggles that come with raising a baby after a loss, I am so thankful for everyone who listened to my fears and helped me through our third pregnancy.
Hannah Avery says
I found out I had lost our baby about the time I was at week 15 or so. The baby had died at about 12 weeks gestation. We had two other children at the time, the youngest being maybe around 18 months or so. She brought me a lot of comfort after our loss. I got pregnant again also, about 3 months later. I didn't feel guilt about it, because I felt that I had closure after our miscarriage. The rainbow pregnancy did have more fear for me. Especially every time our midwife checked for the heartbeat. The first time we went in was about at the 12 week point, and she couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler. I ended up having to wait through the weekend to go get an ultrasound, which showed everything with her was find except for a low placenta, which cleared itself up. That was a super hard weekend! Our midwife had a very hard time finding the baby's heartbeat with the doppler, because my uterus is like tipped inward and is deep, whatever that means. Actually, in the future, I think I want to get an ultrasound first around 12 weeks or so, instead of trying to find the heartbeat with the doppler, because it is just too worrisome for me! Congratulations on your little one!
Amber Ludwig says
Thank you so much for sharing this!! I experience all of these and it was insanity! I felt completely nuts and it was so hard to explain to anyone or even myself! I want constantly checking his heartbeat with our in home doppler (which I highly recommend for a rainbow pregnancy) and prayed and prayed and prayed. Even then I still had so much anxiety. It was definitely a crazy experience!