Beau's story begins here. This part of his story will focus on my induction and his delivery in the hospital and how we made our way through all the emotions and grief to follow our experience with stillbirth.
My stillbirth experience
We arrived at the hospital early Friday morning to start the induction process to deliver our baby. We were lucky that my mom had the day off and was able to watch Harper (our three year old) so that was one less thing to worry about. I honestly had no idea what to expect. I'd been through labor before, but not induced labor, and not with the outcome of a baby we wouldn't get to take home. The nurses that we had at the beginning of our stay were incredible. They made the process of getting started just a little bit easier. The doctor was the same from the previous night which I wasn't very happy with. She continued to have very little sympathy as she walked me through the steps of induction.
They gave me a low dose of induction medicine vaginally, and said if it didn't do anything within twelve hours we'd do another dose. Then we waited. We had lunch at the hospital, and at some points even briefly forgot why we were there. It was weird laying in a hospital bed with an IV, watching TV and waiting for labor to begin. After twelve hours, nothing had happened, so I got a larger dose. Another twelve hours, and labor still hadn't started. We were so lucky it was the weekend and Tyler (my husband) was able to be with me the whole time and my parents were able to watch Harper. After another twelve hours, I got the maximum dose of the medicine that I'd be able to get. If I didn't go into labor within twelve hours (and we'd been at the hospital for over 36 hours at this point), they couldn't legally give me any more medication and I'd have to go home and wait for labor to begin on its own. I was terrified of that idea. I didn't want to have to go home just days before Christmas and go into labor while I was home alone with Harper. I didn't want to continue carrying around my dead baby and waiting for the unknown.
Thankfully, around 12:40 AM I woke up to contractions that were fairly frequent. They had talked to me about pain relief prior to labor starting and I had decided against an epidural because I didn't want to be confined to the bed. That being said, I really didn't want to feel anything. I didn't want to go through the pain of labor without the outcome of a healthy baby. I chose to have IV pain medication, and while it dulled the pain of contractions, my five hour labor was still more painful than my natural home birth. Near the end of the five hours, I felt the urge to push. The nurse tried to get me to wait for the doctor, but like my first birth there was nothing I could do to stop my body and I pushed the baby out. He was still in the amniotic sac and because he was so small I'm not sure if I was even fully dilated. The nurse said that the baby had his cord wrapped around his neck tightly four times. You always hear about cord accidents but the incidence of a baby dying from a cord accident is so slim, and we never thought it would happen to us. I pushed out the placenta but the doctor (who was thankfully a new doctor, and had SO much more sympathy and bedside manner) had to go into my uterus and scrape some off to get it to come out fully.
They took our baby to do some measurements and samples they'd need to conduct an autopsy. At first we didn't want an autopsy but they told us that most parents regret not getting one to rule out any genetic issues or something that could be prevented in a future pregnancy. I'm glad now that we had the autopsy done. The autopsy came back without any conclusive reason for his death, so our stillbirth was ruled a cord death. It was relieving to know that there wasn't anything that we needed to worry about for future pregnancies. The doctor told us the cord was tightly wrapped around his neck and that his belly and neck were swollen. It killed me to think that because he was an active baby (and I'd found so much joy in his action) and he had a long cord, he got tangled up and slowly lost the ability to get oxygen. I was so angry at my body for failing him.
After they were done with measurements they brought him back to the bed and we got to see him and hold him. He was perfectly formed, and had perfect little hands and feet with ten fingers and ten toes. His eyes were closed and he was perfect. I had worried about how he would look and whether I would feel connected to him when we saw him but there was no doubt that he was our precious baby and we had so much love for him immediately. We chose the name Beau. It was the name Tyler loved most for a boy, and after talking about the name for months it just fit for him. We had hired a birth photographer and when she heard we were in the hospital she offered to come and take photos for us for free. We are so blessed to have those photos and were so thankful for her calm and loving presence the first hours after his birth.
We were able to spend the whole day with him and I cherish those hours. We held him, we talked about him and his sweet little features, and we were blessed by an outpouring of support from friends and family. I didn't want to have to tell people individually in person because I knew I couldn't handle their sympathy. We made an announcement on Facebook and we felt SO much love from everyone. It really helped us get through those first few days. A couple of friends stopped by and brought us a meal. It was so wonderful of them to come see us when we were going through such a difficult time.
We had Beau baptized and they did hand and footprints for us. We got a box of mementos from the hospital also. Those and the little hat they put on him are some of the things we cherish most now, looking back at the time we got to spend with him. I realized while I was in the hospital that I'm very good at hiding my emotions in front of people I don't know. I didn't let myself feel much while we were there, but everything hit me hard later. Around five o'clock we decided to be discharged. They offered us another night in the hospital but we knew that we'd just be prolonging the inevitable. We also missed Harper and I knew it would be healing to see her.
Saying goodbye to Beau was the hardest thing I've had to do in my entire life. Neither Tyler nor I have lost anyone that we've been incredibly close to, and losing a baby is something no one should ever have to go through. One of my friends said something very wise to me: when a grandparent (or someone similar) dies, you have all these memories to look back on and cherish and you realize that they lived a wonderful, full life. When your baby dies, you have to find a new way to grieve and keep their memory alive. It's so incredibly hard.
My mom called around to funeral homes for us (I can't believe that's something you have to do after your baby dies) and found us one that would only charge us the cremation fee and was near home. The cremation service would come pick up Beau's body and his ashes would be ready to get picked up a few days later.
We wrapped Beau up in a tiny blanket and laid him in the too-big bassinet, and then I cried. We both cried. We cried for the baby that we were leaving in the hospital, we cried for the sibling Harper didn't get to have, we cried for the plans we'd had for our family of four. And then, we said goodbye. I had to be wheeled through the maternity ward (hospital policy) past all of the mothers in labor and new baby cries. I will never forget those last moments as we left our tiny baby.
In the weeks following Beau's delivery SO many of my Facebook friends reached and I was surprised to find how many people had experienced infant loss. It's a terrible 'club' to be a part of, but the support is incredible. Those people got us through the weeks and months following losing Beau and I'm so grateful to all of them for sharing in our grief and letting us tell our story. We received amazing mementos from our friends and family, and my dad made a box for Beau's ashes. All of these things are displayed in our home and along with photos are our constant reminder of our sweet second baby who left this world far too soon.
If you've lost a baby please know that you are not alone. Let's start talking about infant loss and share our babies stories!
Yvonne Woodstock says
I'm-So-sorry-for-your-loss!
It's-hard-to-see-the-words-to-read-through-all-the-tears.
And-the-photographs-are-just-soooooo-touching-and-tragically-beautiful.
I-love-all-the-special-sentimental-things-you-all-did-to-honor-&-Memorialize
your-precious-son
and-how-kind-of-you-to-share-your-experience
and
personal-photos--with-everyone-so-others
who-experience-this-won't-feel-so-alone.
Amber says
Thank you SO much for your kind words, Yvonne. My hope is that by sharing our story I can help another family going through something similar. I truly appreciate you reading Beau's story!
Amber Ludwig says
Keeping the memory is so special and so important!! That little man is and always will be a part of your family. Thank you for sharing him with us <3
Amber says
He definitely will always be a part of our family! Thanks so much, Amber.
Dee Lafrenz says
My daughter lost a little girl at 6 months, after several still births. Years later my daughter lost her Grandson in a horrible home accident. God gives you the strength to go on, you have to call on him. Losing a child is something you cannot understand, unless you have experienced it. Lean on God, he will carry you thru......
Amber says
I am so sorry for their losses. Thank you so much for your kind comment!
Kira says
So much love for you and your family. I don't think I've seen that Willow Tree figure before, and it's SO perfect. It looks like Beau is holding Brutus and everyone is thrilled to welcome Lincoln to the world!!
Amber says
Thank you so much Kira 🙂 I put a few different figures together to make our family and I love it!
Linda Manns says
This is such a hard thing to go through and such a great loss. I never lost an infant but I lost my 25 year old son to an accident. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I wish you the best. God Bless
Amber says
I am so sorry about your son, Linda, No one should ever have to experience the loss of a child. Thanks so much for reading Beau's story.
Cathy Jarolin says
I am so Sorry for your Loss! This one hit Home.. I too Lost a baby from the cord being wrapped around her neck. She was a full term baby I went into labor and somehow the cord got tangled around her through labor and Birth I remember waiting for my Dr. I was in the delivery room and the Nurse put a Black cloth over the overhead mirror. I was begging the other drs to please help my baby but none of them would do anything but wait for the dr who kept us waiting a long time... Anyhow she weighed 7lbs 12 oz and was 21 inches long. we named her Deborah Kim and we also had her baptized. That was 38 yrs ago and I think about my little Angel Baby everyday of my life. I know the hurt it unbearable I didn't thin I would ever be normal again but you do but you never forget! There will always be a Special place in your heart for your precious Baby. God Bless~~
Amber says
Cathy, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Deborah. Thank you so much for sharing her story. No one should ever have to lose a child-it is an awful thing to go through. I truly appreciate you sharing her story with me!
Glenda Cates says
I didn't lose a baby but I do know a lot of people who have including my niece and nephew. So my heart breaks for you. And I know it isn't the same but I lost my daughter when she was 16 to a Freak Car Accident. So Please know I am Praying for you. And if you ever need to talk I am here for you.
Amber says
Glenda, thank you so much for your sweet comment-I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter 🙁 Thank you for your prayers!
Amanda Joosten says
I can't even imagine. Ur story is extremely heart heavy and overbought tears down my cheeks. U r so strong and may beau look after u and ur family!! Who ever though ur infant would be looking after mommy and daddy 😉 <3
Amber says
We definitely think Beau watches over our family-we were blessed to know him, even if the time was much too short! Thank you for reading <3
Cassie says
Again, I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad that you got the autopsy and pictures though because there are many parents who regret this later. It is good that you don't have to worry about genetic conditions, but don't be mad at your body for failing your baby. God had a plan and we are not sure what His plan is, but I have to believe that there is a reason for your loss, if not to help other parents who are going through a loss through sharing your story.
Amber says
Thank you so much for your kind comment, Cassie!